I am dead tired & bone weary. So tired in fact, that I made myself a herbal tea, went to the toilet and then immediately made myself a black tea when I walked back into the kitchen, completely forgetting about the first cup!…. So I am now enjoying two teas as I write.
Why am I tired?…. Well… Life is life-ing and my energy levels just aren’t keeping up.
To be precise, we have moved homes and I am into week 4 of packing/unpacking and cleaning in every spare minute of the day. Because unfortunately, even though we are moving house, the kids still need attention and feeding (and a birthday party for my big girl), work needs working and life’s general demands still need to be met. So, from the moment I wake through to the moment I climb into bed, I am “doing.”
As I reflect on how I currently feel after a month of this I have to giggle. As 3 short years ago, this was my everyday existence. Back then it was “normal” to have every moment accounted for and if I wasn’t being productive then I would beat up on myself for being lazy…. And when I got to the point of knowing that it wasn’t lazy to not “Do,” then I had no idea how to hold boundaries in place so that life (and other people) didn’t fill in my precious ‘nothing’ time.
I look back on that and now it is so obvious why I completely burned out. Why I shriveled up emotionally and mentally and was struggling to cope with the simplest of day to day tasks.
But when I was in it, I couldn’t see it. I had gotten to the point where I was numb (physically, emotionally and mentally) and so I couldn’t feel the crushing fatigue and pain.
This reflection makes me feel a whole crap load of gratitude for how far I have come. I’ve come to a lifestyle, where on a normal day, is full of space for creativity, learning, play or NOTHING. I have delved deeply into my personality, discovered who I am, grown from within (which is a never ending process) and created shifts that began within and now influence and shape my external reality. In a nutshell…. I LOVE my life, while at the same time am eager to see what blossoms next.
If you read the beginning of this and thought, “Overwhelming days of ‘doing’ is my EVERY day,” I want you to know that I am not telling you this to rub current life in your face. No… I am telling you to give you hope. I used to think that I didn’t have a choice. But the truth is, that I was choosing that busy, exhausting life. I was choosing it for a host of reasons and the only way I could get to the bottom of those reasons and let go of them, was to dig deep and do the continual personal development work that was required.
So if you are struggling right now know that you can change and shape your life to be anything you want it to be. It will take work and while some changes feel like they come immediately, others take a lot longer. Regardless of the time frame however, the effort is worth it.